the white witch of whatever

So a guy in a bar in university told me I was a witch. A white witch to be exact. A "healer" to be more exact. If I am indeed a healer, then I really suck at it. My kids have had flu symptoms for the better (pretty much all) of 2010 so far. Perhaps I channel it at strangers that remain oblivious (along with me) to the cause of the sudden disappearance of all their ailments. Possible I suppose. However, to test this theory, or to pursue proof, may result in me coming off a little odd. "Hey. How are you feeling? Better than like 10 minutes ago? Yeah. That was all me." So instead I like to think about things that have always seemed a bit.....off about me. Perhaps my witchiness has manifested into other, more.......non-life-altering powers.
I have weird luck. Not like "OMG! I just won a trip to Hawaii!" No, I mean like "Holy crap. My watch just bounced off the toilet seat without going in." Yes, when it comes to my witchly powers, one of them is creating an invisible force field over an open toilet bowl. I cannot recount the long list of objects that have bounced off a toilet seat and fell to the side of the toilet. The ONLY thing that has gone in the toilet (against my intention) has been a quarter, which was stuck to me after a sweaty night of dancing. Even then the toilet just had clean water in it. I've dropped hairbrushes, hair ties, deodorant, and countless pieces of jewelry and watched in awe as they simply bounced and landed on the floor. I like to think perhaps the shield malfunctions when suffering from dance fatigue. I have yet to test this theory by hurtling an object towards the toilet. I think my powers are for unintentional use only.
Another of my spine-tingling powers is what I like to call "The Narrow Escape". I have been stopped by the cops more than once, while never being ticketed (I'm very good at apologizing). One crazy incident (that I still, to this day do not believe was an accident) happened back in university. My roommate and I both had illegal pets in our dorm rooms. She had a rat, and I had a guinea pig. NOT cool as far as the school was concerned. We had been very good at hiding them at a moment's notice. However, one day we were given no notice. A man arrived at the door to change a light bulb, and he was on his way in. Suddenly he dropped the bulb! It shattered and he had to go find a new one. This gave us the perfect opportunity to hide our furry little friends. How else could this be explained? I, the witch, broke that poor man's bulb. "The Narrow Escape" is sometimes mean-spirited.
My next power is "The Boomerang Effect". This too has been with me all of my life. I cannot think of an important object that I have lost without finding it again. Oh I lose PLENTY of stuff. Don't get me wrong. But it always comes back to me. Like my bracelet that I took forever picking out, and bartering for in Mexico that I "lost". My husband found it in the parking garage at work. Sure. Of course it would be there. My "lost" items have boomeranged back to such locations as my purse, between couch cushions, under the seat in our car, and my favourite......the cuff of my pants. We're talking car keys, cell phones, credit card, shoes (alcohol was involved) rings and bracelets throughout my clumsy life.
Only the power of true love can extend this power to another. We once spent about 20 frantic minutes inside and outside the grocery store, after getting to the car and realizing my husband had lost his wedding band. I panicked (my husband is far too hot in my opinion to let out of the house without it). Underneath the panic, there remained my normal, calm mantra of "nothing is truly lost". Sure enough, while calmly rifling through our grocery bags, I found his ring.....of course. I have not yet tested whether this power extends to him outside of my immediate vicinity.
So, on the whole, if I am indeed a witch, I am totally unimpressive. I've got no parlor tricks to show for it. No healing spells. Heck, I can't even be in the same room as scented candles or incense without breaking out in a rash. So, I'll just have to settle for a bunch of stuff that I'll apparently be lumbered with forever, along with a sometime guilty conscience.